BIKER TRAVEL CHANNEL
OOPPIE-DOOPPIE, How Ya'll Doin'? I hope everyone is fine an' dandy since the last time we talked. I've been halfway around the world for the last three weeks down in Cozumel, Mexico gittin' massive amounts of dental work done. If you don't know where the heck that is at, look at the Gulf of Mexico, go all the way around from Florida, past Louwesiana an' Tejas and way down to Mexico to the part that sticks out into the ocean called the Yucatan Peninsula [where the big meteor hit that toasted the dinosaurs] to a little island to the south of that. It's a lot cheaper 'cause I got $20,000 [what it would cost up here even with the best insurance, Federal Employee Blue Cross Blue Shield] worth of work done for 2 grand. And you would think they would have donkeys in the waiting room an' tequila for anesthetic, but no it was a state of the art dental facility. It's a sorry state of affairs when Mexico kicks our butt with their medical program. As a matter of fact many Americans are changing their citizenship to Mexico because all you pay is $322 a year and all your medical expenses are taken care of. That includes all your prescriptions, doctor visits, operations, home health care, everything! Of course you got to live in Mexico an' I love an' wouldn't live anywhere else than the good ol' USA. But it was cheaper than my deducktible even with my airfare. I know I'm misspelling the crap outta a lot of words, but I think it's kinda funny, lighten up Francis!!
On top of that you get to be in Cozumel, BUMMER!! It wasn't all fun an' games 'cause every day or every other day I spent 3 or 4 hours in the dentist's chair doin' 4 root canals, implants, crowns an' so much drilling, grinding, yanking, and more drilling you'd think you were building a scooter. I only had half a face so many days tryin' to drink anything would just dribble out the side of my mouth.
But I did get a few yuks in 'cause I got another thing on my Bucket list taken care of. When I was a youngster I wanted to scuba dive, sky dive, and fly aircraft before I died. Well I was a certified private pilot for a couple of years so I got the big one checked off. My dentist set me up with a guy named Nacho who is a scuba diving instructor so we did lessons at the dining room table and initial hands on training in the swimming pool. My sister does internet marketing and sells crystals, rocks and gems over the internet so she rents a whole villa down there for 4 months a year. All she needs is her laptop so she can do it anywhere. I could also keep up with my orders for leathers, saddlebags, chaps, hats, etc. to Abu-Dubai, Texas, Baltimore, all over the friggin' world on her laptop too. Oh yeah, back to gittin' wet, from the pool we went out to the coral reefs [Jacque Custow said it is the best area to go scubin' in the world] and we went down 27 feet. We were gonna go down to 30, but my right ear [lost my hearing in that ear at a George Thourogood concert years ago] began to hurt from the pressure. Anywho, I did scuba dive so I can check that one off. All that is left is to jump out of an airplane and then I can die. I suppose a couple of you out there would pay for that just to see me dead! Huh K-Bob an' Alaska Ed!! I figure I'll jump out without a parachute, check off the third one on my way down and then SPLATT, Goodbye Cruel World!!!
We think we are bikers up here, but down there for every 1 car there are 20 taxis and 300 little scooters. They will pack a family of 5 on those things with their little ninos [kids] hanging on for dear life. They'll haul anything on those things like furniture, refrigerators, everything! It's amazing 'cause that's all they got for transportation rain or shine. They got certain models they only sell in Mexico which are only 125cc, but have floorboards, forward controls, pullback bars, peanut tanks, flare front and rear fenders, really Cool!! I test rode one of them [took a lot of talkin' 'cause they usually don't do that], kinda gutless by our standards, but you gotta remember I'm a grande gringo [big fat f**k]. Harleys are very rare an' even if ya did have one the whole island is maybe 20 miles all the way around it so there ain't much ridin' to be done. What do you do for a change of pace, ride the other direction? Up here we can go 1,000 miles in any direction, God bless America!!
Another day I took the ferry over to the mainland and rented a car [a Nissan Yuck!, hope nobody saw me in it] an' drove 200 miles inland to the ancient Mayan city of Chitcen Itza [you know where they always show the the huge pyramid]. At one time it was the largest city in the world with 30,000 inhabitants when London, England only had about 2,000. Spent most of the day there an' was getting ready to leave when I met a couple from London, England who flew there just for that day. I asked why an' they said it was the Equinox when the sun creates a snake's body on the side of the pyramid that connects with the serpent heads on the staircase. I said "GET OTTA HERE" so I stuck around with thousands of other people from all over the planet to see that monumental event. Man it was really Cool!! My dumb luck to be there on THAT day. To think they built that enormous structure to align with the sun on that particular day to create that effect boggles the mind. They were in touch with the earth and the planets in how they situated everything. You don't see churches here built with that aspect in their construction. They got a ball stadium the size of a football field in which they used human heads [with the flesh still on 'em, I guess it was softer kickin' it that way] as the ball. The object was to get it through a ring about 20 feet up in the air which symbolized the earth in the center of the Milky Way in 2012. When they played it was as if their very life depended on it - that's exactly what it was 'cause whichever team lost were all beheaded [I guess to have balls fer the next game]. It was not without drama to get there 'cause the rental car had two flat tires [which the Mexican Alfonso rental guy charged me for new] no air-conditioning which I paid for explicitly [caliente, HOT!!], and the Policea wanted to throw me in jail for going the wrong way on a one way right in front of the Policea station. Spending the rest of my life in a Mexican prison would satisfy the aforementioned K-Bob and Alaska Ed tremendously. Got my new set of chompers [been eatin' with only two teeth on my right side fer the last couple of years so now I got a permanent full set on that side, even made 'em brown to match my other ones] the day I left and it was none too soon 'cause I wanted to come back to where we have food inspectors [chicken an' pork roasting on a open spit fer weeks at a time, I learned not to eat anything from street vendors, still got the drizzilin' sh*ts!!], electrical inspectors, plumbing inspectors, etc. All I wanted was to be cold so I could wear a jacket [so hot an' muggy all the time] and not look at a lawn that wasn't constantly moving with lizards, geckos, crabs, an' God only knows what else. Aw, it's good to be back, sorry Alaska Ed and K-Bob, I guess yer lynching quest continues, bring it on!! HOOTI-HOOT!!! Wiz